Don't Know Why I Love You
by imSiriuslyLupin4you
Summary: Prequel to 'I Hate You'. My version of why Sirius told Snape about Remus' "furry little problem". M for swearling, suggested sex  m/m , slash, and angst. Please Reveiw!


_(Prequel to 'I Hate You'. Remus' POV. Why Sirius tells Snape about Remus' 'furry little problem'. Rated 'M' for cussing, slash, implied sexual relations, and derogatory terms toward females. The only thing I own is Alexander Davies. He is MINE. All mine! Mwahahahahaha! Please R&r. Enjoy!)_

I don't understand why I stay with Sirius. Whenever Lily asks me what I see in him I just shrug. I don't know. I don't know why I stay with someone who treats me like a pile of fresh dragon manure. I don't understand why I stay with someone who tells me they love me one minute, and then turn around and flirts with the busty Ravenclaw prefect the next. I don't get it. Perhaps I'm a masochist. Or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. Maybe I _like_ getting my heart ripped apart every single fucking day. Maybe I enjoy it. Sometimes I hate Sirius. Hate him so much that my nails dig into my palms and blood runs down my wrist. Sometimes my vision blurs and I cant see anything except Sirius and whichever whore he's got with him.

That's what's happening now. That's why I can't do anything except choke on my own goddamn breath and try not to rip that Sluts face open. How _dare_ she run her perfectly manicured hands all over _my_ boyfriend's chest? How _dare_ she press her oversized breasts to_ my_ boyfriend's arm? How _dare_ he enjoy it?

Just last night he told me he loved me. Just last night he told me I was beautiful while he took me for the very first time. Just last night I gave him my fucking virginity.

I don't know why he's flirting with her. She laughs like a hyena. Nothing Sirius said should have made that Skank Ravenclaw throw her prissy blonde head back exposing that scrawny neck of hers, giving Sirius the perfect opportunity to look down her shirt. Nothing could be that funny.

Why aren't _I_ laughing too? More importantly, why is _he_ laughing? He _made_ the goddamn joke. You're not supposed to laugh at your own jokes. Especially when they're not as funny as you think.

I can't stand it. I can't stand watching him ignore me like this, so I decide to leave the library, where we're _supposed_ to be researching unforgivable curses for Professor Morgan. God knows I'd like to use all three on that boyfriend-molesting bitch.

"I'll be in the Common Room." My voice comes out nasally and scratchy. Embarrassing, like I'm about to burst into tears or something.

"Alright. Later, Moons!" Sirius flashes me a quick grin, and then turns back to the bird that's practically sitting on his lap.

'Later, Moons'. He doesn't even bother using my real name. Hell, he doesn't even bother using my entire nickname.

I practically run out of the library. I realize too late that I've left my books. Fuck, if I actually go back there now. I'll go back later when everyone's at dinner. Rounding a corner I bumped into something solid.

"Sorry, my fault- Lupin, are you alright?" I looked up at Alexander Davies, a seventh year, and a Hufflepuff chaser.

"Fine." Davies' eyes were a warm light brown like chocolate, and his hair was a curly sunshine yellow. His looks were nearly the opposite of Sirius'.

"Good. So… I'll just be off then." Davies started to walk away.

"Alex, wait." I took a step toward Davies. "We're friends, right?"

"Um… Sure?" Davies looked uncomfortable and took a step back. I followed.

Reaching out I stroked the top of his cloak. "You wouldn't do anything to hurt me, would you, Alex?"

Davies gulped. "Are… are you feeling okay, Lupin? Did someone hex you or something? Do you want me to take you to the hospital wing?"

"Oh, I'm _fine_." I purred. I needed to forget about Sirius and that_ tramp_ from the library. I moved in closer until our bodies brushed. Davies leapt back and bumped into the wall.

"Lupin, this isn't funny- Mmph!"

Throwing myself at Davies, I crashed our lips together. I ignored his muffled protests, and forced my tongue between his tightly shut lips. If I closed my eyes and ignored the taste of peppermint in Davies mouth, I could almost pretend it was Sirius I was kissing.

Davies bit down on my tongue. I relished in the pain and the taste of blood in my mouth. It made me momentarily forget about Sirius fucking Black, and his new piece of tail. **(A/N Pun intended.)**

Pain erupted in the back of my head as it collided with the hard floor. Davies had shoved me. I sat up and stared at him. I never knew Hufflepuffs could be so violent.

Davies was looking down at me with an expression close to disgust on his face. "What the Hell's the matter with you, Lupin?" He then turned on his heel and stalked away.

I remained sitting there on the cold, hard floor for what seemed like hours. When I finally got back up my bottom was cold and sore, and my legs were stiff.

I don't remember walking back to the Gryffindor tower. I don't remember saying the password to the Fat Lady. I don't remember going up the stairs to the dormitory. I remember seeing Sirius laying on my bed with an odd closed expression on his face.

"Hey, Rem."

"Hi, Siri."

"You left your books in the library. They're in your trunk."

"Thanks."

"Where were you?" Sirius wasn't looking at me, instead staring at his fingernails as if they were the most interesting things in the world.

"What do you mean?"

"You told me that you'd be in the Common Room. I've been waiting there for twenty minutes. I just came up here a second ago."

"I got sidetracked." I mumbled.

Sirius gave a hurt laugh. "Yeah, I figured. Saw you talking with Davies."

My head snapped up to meet Sirius' accusing glare. "Oh, really?"

"What were you two talking about? You looked upset."

"I wasn't upset. We… we were just talking about classes." I avoided Sirius' gaze. "Look, I… I'm a bit tired. Maybe… maybe we should sleep in our own beds tonight."

Sirius smiled. At least I think it was a smile. It held far too much anger in it to be a real smile. It was the type of smile he'd give his parents.

"Separate beds, right." Sirius swung his long legs over the side of my bed. "Wasn't really planning on sleeping in the same bed as you tonight, anyhow."

I suddenly remembered the date. "Oh, it's a full moon tonight."

"I know." Sirius stood up and started to make his way to the staircase. His shoulder brushed mine on the way out, and I could hardly suppress a shiver from running down my spine.

I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes, hoping for some sleep, as I would have to go down to the Shack in a couple of hours. I decided to skip dinner.

"Remus?" I jumped. I hadn't heard Sirius come back into the Dormitory.

"Yes?" I kept my eyes closed. I couldn't bring myself to look at Sirius.

"You love me, right?"

I opened my eyes and stared at him. The last time I had seen Sirius' face so vulnerable was when his mother sent him that howler saying that she never wanted to hear his name again.

"Of course I love you, Sirius." I tried to smile. I'm sure it came out as a grimace.

"Right." Sirius' face twisted up bitterly. He turned his back on me and started to leave. "Hope you have fun tonight." Sirius called over his shoulder as he closed the door behind him.

The most painful migraine of my life woke me up the next morning. It was ten times worse then any hangover I've ever had. I tried to sit up and cried out. Every muscle and bone in my body felt as if they were on fire. No full moon had ever felt this bad.

"Thank goodness you're finally up." I squinted through the over bright lights at Madame Pomfrey. "How do you feel?"

"Fine." I winced. Even talking hurt.

"Don't lie to me." Madame Pomfrey snapped. "I thought you were dead when I saw you this morning. This is the worst full moon you've had since you began Hogwarts." She thrust a smelly orange potion at me. "Drink."

I drank. When the goblet was empty I felt a wave of drowsiness sweep over me, and I fell into a painless sleep.

When I awoke for the second time that day, the pain was dull and my headache was nearly gone. As I blinked my eyes open I saw James peering down at me.

"Hey, Moony." James' voice was uncharacteristically quiet and hushed. I wondered briefly if I was dying. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm sure he's fine. If he felt like he looked then he'd be dead." Peter smiled reassuringly at me. I could tell that it was forced.

"M'okay." I croaked, looking behind James and Peter. "Where's Sirius?" They exchanged a look.

"Listen Remus. Something happened last night."

A ripple of fear coursed through me. Did I accidentally bite Sirius last night? Did I kill him? "What happened?"

"Well-"

"Sirius told Snape about you." Peter's voice cut across James'. "He told him how to get into the Shrieking Shack.

I looked at James for confirmation. He nodded, proving Peter's words correct. "He's talking with Dumbledore now."

My fear for Sirius was gone. Everything was gone. I felt empty. Like a Dementor had just kissed me. I ignored the tears that overflowed my eyes, and trickled down my cheeks.

"M-Moony? Mate? Are you-"

"Just leave me alone James." I whispered.

"But-"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

James and Peter rushed out of the Hospital Wing, leaving me to stew in the numbing pain of Sirius' betrayal, and the betrayal of my heart for still loving him.

I couldn't understand how I could keep loving Sirius, even after this. I didn't know how my heart could still beat for his even after all the abuse. As Madame Pomfrey bustled around the Hospital Wing and tended my wounds, a single thought drifted through my otherwise empty mind.

_'Don't know why I love you.'_


End file.
